The last time my family was complete in my graduation dates back in pre-school.

It’s a harsh reality. Just when I have finally fulfilled my parents’ wishes of striving hard and getting accolades, they were absent. They were not able to receive it along with me in high school.

Now that I’m finally graduating from college, it’s sad not to see their reactions although I know they are both happy for me. It’s sad to know I cannot offer this to them personally.

It gives me a dilemma on what angle should this situation be perceived. Is this for the better? I am an only child. When I finally work, I won’t have any mouths to feed or parents to take care of, just a future to invest.  I can enjoy my future salary in whatever way I wished. No one’s going to dictate me.

But I miss obeying. I miss getting advices. I miss someone guiding my life full time. And that someone isn’t just anyone. I wish for no other than my parents. But that’s impossible now.

I have also proven that man is truly insatiable. I have friends who are guided by their parents, sometimes even dictated. They tell me I’m lucky. I tell them, “No, you’re luckier.” And the argument starts.

That argument only leads me to adjusting my perception. I should make up with what I have. This thought leads me in the principle: I exist to give a greater meaning to my parents’ deaths.

Before they died, I never cared. I was insensitive. I was hedonistic. I was selfish. My life has no direction. My life has no meaning. I never knew that God would take a seven-year-old’s words seriously, “Hindi ko kailangan ng ibang tao para mabuhay.” I proved that those words were not true when I lost my parents. I need people.  I need to socialize.

Similarly, their deaths also made me prove that no one—even those people they have entrusted me to, even my own relatives— can be there for me 24/7 except them (which is, of course, second to God). That makes me wish that they are still here for me. That makes me miss them even more.

If they were still here, I might be influenced by their preferences.  I can finally learn how to play the guitar. I can finally love and understand the dreaded mathematics. I can share with them my love stories, laugh with me and advise me what to do with my love problems basing on their experiences.

In their absence, I shall find my presence. Yet, it’s just sad. God might have taken them away from me to search for my life’s meaning on my own. Right now, I’m still on a journey of finding my meaning as I write these words. I know that my parents or he will not forsake me.

But it is still sad not to share the success with them personally once I find it. If they were still here, maybe… just maybe… I can finally understand the love and finally make them feel that they are also loved.

Sometimes, I fear dying without fulfilling my meaning. But will Fate and God let that? I don’t know. But if they do, I know I have a family to run to in the afterlife.

Haha, quit those tragic thoughts.

I still have a diploma to receive and two souls to please on April 21, 2012.

Hindi na bago pag bumabaha sa loob ng bahay. Konting ulan lang, may tagas na sa loob eh. Minsan, pag-uwi ko galing LPU, magugulat na lang ako, may tubig sa loob ng bahay dahil sa sandaling pag-ulan. Ganyan talaga pag residente ka ng Malabon. Hahaha.

Pero hindi ko talaga inasahang ganito kalaki yung baha ngayon. Hindi talaga. Ito yung kinapapa-paranoidan ko noong Ondoy e. Pasensya na, hindi ko kayang kumuha ng pictures kagaya noong iba. It's my life principle na kung ayaw mo nang maalala ang isang bagay, wag kang magkukuha ng mga bagay na magpapaalala rito.

Ngunit ginagawa ko ang post na ito para maalala ko ang mga leksyon na nakintal sa aking isipan sa pangyayaring ito. Grabe, noong una kong pagbaba sa bahay namin pagkagising ko. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa aobrang laki ng baha. Parang gusto kong gisingin ang sarili ko sa bangungot. Sobrang laki talaga. Hanggang baywang na literal. Nagbebreast storke na nga ako sa baha. Literal na swimming.

Kung makikita niyo lang ang aming lugar noon-- sarado ang lahat ng fastfood pati mga grocery. Nakakatakot ang lakas ng hangin. At ang baha.... alam niyo na.

At noong gabi...Sa halos isang araw na pagkawala ng kuryente at pagkakakulong ko sa mundo ng kawalan--walang cellphone, walang landline, walang internet-- maraming pumasok sa isip ko. Nakakatakot. At siyempre nakakapanghinayang. Sa mga gamit na nabasa sa baba. Laking pasalamat ko bitbit ko yung DSLR at laptop ko rito sa itaas. Kundi, umiyak na ako ng bato rito. Nagpapasalamat na lang ako at buhay pa ako--at yung mga gamit na totoong importante ay naririto, dala-dala ko. Naisip ko rin, kung ang street namin ang pinakamataas sa buong Tanong, paano pa kaya yung mababang lugar? Nag-alala ako doon sa bahay ng bestfriend ko. Noong Ondoy, literal kang magsuswimming dun e. Kami rito, di apektado. Ngayong kami, lubog na lubog, paano pa kaya ngayon? Naisip ko rin na kung yung mga importanteng gamit lang ang binibili ko, siguro hindi ganitong kalaki ang damage. Siguro kaunti lang yung bibitbitin ko. Kaya magmula ngayon, mga importanteng gamit na lang talaga ang bibilhin ko. Kilala ko na rin naman ang sarili ko e. Hindi ako yung tipo ng taong maingat sa mga bagay. Kaya talaga, importanteng mga bagay na lang ang bibilhin ko.

Tapos, umusbong na naman ang aking paranoia. Akala ko aakyat na ang tubig rito sa second floor. Gusto kong isipin ang mga plano sa thesis, Sentinel, OtSoc, Computer Graphics at iba pa, pero di ko magawa. Ang pumapasok sa isip ko, yung lamay ko. Grabe.

"Bibigyan ba nila ako ng Necrological Service?" 

"Iiyak kaya sila?"

Oo, ang emo ko.  Pero... the fuck.. drowning in flood is the lamest death. At least pag cancer, malalabanan mo pa.

Niyakap ko na lang ang kumot at inimagine na si ____ yun para matahimik ang inaalala ko tapos nakatulog na ako. Pero at the back of my mind, nag-alala pa rin ako. Baka mamaya, paggising ko mga magulang ko na makita ko.

Nagpapasalamat na lang ako sa Diyos at tapos na ang unos na ito. Haaay. Dapat talaga, lahat ng bahay sa Malabon, walang laman ang first floor. Dapat 2nd floor pataas lang ang existent. Walang magagawa ang pagpapataas ng mga kalsada. At the end of the day, tatagas at tatagas pa rin ang tubig sa loob ng mga bahay ng mga residente. Ngayon ko lang rin napansin na habang pataasan ng kalsada, pataasan rin ng tubig. Sana linisin na lang nila yung mga kanal at hulihin yung mga nagtatapon ng non-biodegradable sa mga kalsada.

Leche. Nakakasawa na kasing baha yan. Paulit-ulit na lang. Pataas pa ng pataas. Noong bata ako, tuwang-tuwa ako pag walang pasok. Ngayon, hindi na. Nakakasira ng schedule.

Iniisip kong ibenta o paupahan itong bahay. As if namang ganoong kadali yun. Pero alam ko pag iniwan ko ang Malabon, may mga lugar (at tao) pa rin akong mamimiss. Ewan ko. Bahala na.

Basta ngayon, thank you Lord na lang talaga. 

https://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150310479083843

We all experienced being that doe-eyed elementary student who just used to play with either VTech or Barbies and Polly Pockets. During these times, our definition of crush was too shallow, and the thought just occupies a small portion of our minds. It was during these days that we learn how to be happy despite not knowing other stuff we know now.

It’s what you call innocence, and we know that most of you would like to turn the hands of the clock and go back to these times just to experience the carefree mind the kids have— that kind of mind which doesn’t overthink or complicate—that kind of mind which doesn’t have a cynosure. We used to live in half-realities of ideals then, as we watch those cartoons and educational shows. Looking back, everything was so peaceful—and all things were just for play and fun.

Now as we grow older, we complicate things. We overthink. We worry. We cross bridges without knowing if such bridges really exist or not. We want to play our lives “fast forward button” and yet when we reach it, we want to play the “rewind button”. How confusing is that?

They say that the life of the teens up to early adulthood is the best time to enjoy things. The perks of being in this stage of life is we get to have our freedom. Our parents need not to fetch us from school, give us milk to drink nor dress us with our clothes. We are independent now. But isn’t it ironic that in this time of our lives, we tend to worry so much? Sometimes, we worry more than those businessmen and CEOs on the recent downward trend of their companies or those stockholders losing their shares.

Why do we have overcomplicate? Why do we have to overthink? 

Sometimes, we think that a group or the person is the ONLY one that will make us happy for the rest of our lives. We tend to overlook at the possibilities awaiting for us, which might be just right under our noses. We tend to make a group, a thing, a person, or whatever—our life’s center. We tend to own them, as if they were some sort of objects. At the same time, such “ownership” makes us prisoners of our own posessions. As we become prisoners, we suffer from depression. We suffer from expectations and demands. Such affects our health— and is manifested often by low grades, sudden sickness, mood swings and more.

Wouldn’t it be easier if we just let it all go? 

Some may argue that having only one life cynosure is a manifestation of real love. Perhaps, it is. People have varied perceptions of love anyway. But isn’t having too much of something—even love—bad?  And you might also consider loving yourself too before everything else.

Being someone who has experienced and is continually experiencing these things, I shouldn’t be preaching about this and I’m really not. Just giving you insights here. These are just the things I usually observe within the people of the same age range as I have. I just can’t help wondering why most of them suffer this emo-ness while they should be enjoying life to the fullest in this stage of their lives.

And let me clear: the center of your life doesn’t only go for that special someone of yours. It’s the same whether if it is a peer, an organization, studies, career, and whatever. In my 21 existence in this world, I’ve learned that people come and go. And I learned it the hard way. The very hard way. I thought that making my walls higher would make me a better person because people cannot hurt me. But it was wrong. 

What I learned is not to go on the extremes. Don’t love too much but don’t seclude yourself. Let yourself be that free-spirited kid you used to be when you were still young. Back then, you just know how to play and just leave it all behind, am I right? If you’re hurt, you’ll cry, but eventually get over it when your new candy, chocolate or toy comes.

At this point in our lives, we may not be enthralled by new toys or sweets but we should always keep in mind that for every exit, there is always an entrance. On every end, there is a beginning.

Ridiculous as it may seem that it comes from me, it is the truth we can all hold onto. We let time do the rest of the healing. As for everything else, we have to decide. We cannot go back in time to retrieve our free-spirited counterparts but we can always find the child within us.

Originally posted at: